The New Statue/Transcript
The complete transcript for The New Statue Opening Words {Text appears on screen: "Women build friendships. Men build statues." An engine is heard humming while the sounds of clanking go on.} Intro Title sequence Plot Segment 2 Adventures With Bill teaser The Possum Lodge Word Game Red's Campfire Song Handyman Corner Commercial bumper Plot Segment 3 Visit With Ranger Gord Red's Handyman Tips {Red stands behind a worktable. He holds up a wood file.} RED GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} Alright, this here is a wood file. It's called a coarse bastard file. That's right, coarse bastard! It says right there: "coarse bastard". So Stinky, if you're watching this, it's you who owes me an apology! Plot Segment 4 Adventures With Bill Commercial bumper Plot Segment 5 The Experts Plot Segment 6 WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Whistling) thank you. Thank you very much. Appreciate your coming here. Had a little accident up at the lodge this week. Junior singleton blew the roof right off his garage. Yeah, but he learned something. You never jump-start a barbecue. And luckily, you know, the roof landed completely intact -- upside down, of course -- in possum lake. Here's the kicker -- she floats. So get this, right? Because the roof is the only thing the lodge members have that doesn't leak, including themselves, they're turning it into a boat. Not just any boat -- a fan-boat. We've mounted a dodge slant-six on the back. Got a helicopter rotor on vertically. Put the unit in where the eavestrough joins the soffit -- where the bird's nest was. We're gonna try it now, so stay tuned. You can watch it on television or go to our hospital and meet the guys in an hour. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): Today's show's about insects. I'll make a bug repeller. Ranger gord is gonna be tagging houseflies. Harold's gonna be bugging everybody, including dougie, and I'll show you how to deal with insecticide. You heard of murphy's law? This place should be called murphy's lodge. You're gonna have to pay for that statue, you know. Oh, harold. They go to start that motor on the helicopter thing, but the fan-boat didn't go anywhere, 'cause it never was floating. It was wedged on a sandbar! Harold, harold. I'll tell the story. Moose thompson figures it needs more gas, so he gives it more throttle and more throttle... And... More throttle. That's clever, isn't it? If something's gonna go wrong, let's have it happen at maximum velocity. Exactly -- the fan-boat still doesn't move. The backwash from the prop whips across town, lifts the billboard right off the main highway. This picture of a smiling cow on a unicycle is flying through the sky. That's not gonna sell much milk. No. Suddenly, boom! Lands in the centre of town. Flattened the statue of some guy. That's not "some guy". That's ezra banger. He's the first citizen in possum lake to wangle a government grant. He got $35 to kill mosquitoes with a hammer. Yeah, but you said the fan-boat would work and it didn't, so ♪ you made a mistake ♪ ♪ you made a mistake ♪ what are you talking about? You did something stupid. Now you gotta pay. ♪ you made a mistake ♪ all right, fine, I admit it. I made a mistake, but so did your parents. ♪ you made a mistake ♪ ♪ you made a mistake ♪ harold, I'm armed. (red): Bill asked me to give him a hand getting this car going. First problem is he's locked himself out. What are we gonna do? Oh, he's got a coat hanger. Just having come out of a closet recently, he's still got the hanger in his sweater. I notice that the passenger door is, uh... That, to me, seemed easier. Why don't we get in there and slide over? You don't need the coat hanger. Bill? Bill? Bill? Hey, bill! Bill, you're not-- bill! Ow! Stop! I'm-- bill! I'm in the-- bill, I'm in-- come here -- I want to show you something. Hey, look at this, bill. The door's actually open -- look. Ohhhhh! See? Got her completely unlocked. Come here a minute. You'll see -- take a look. See? Oh! We'll get it started later on. They tell me this is the big one. For the grand prize of an '82 lada and four sets of jumper cables, harold, you have 30 seconds to get dougie franklin to say this word. And go. Uh... Uh... D-d-deceive. ... The boss. Uh, mislead? Advertise? All right, uh... Ok, all right, if you looked at this card now, that would be... ... Faster. (audience laughing) yes, but you'd be disqualified because you... ... Got caught. Mmmmm! Uh, ok, all right. Y-y-you debunk somebody, you stack the deck, y-y-you, uh... Y-y-you... Fraud, uh, that's... That's... Business. Ohhhh! But if somebody does that to you... They're a dirty cheat. There you go, harold. (ringing bell) (applause) ♪ buttons were flying everywhere ♪ ♪ a belt buckle bounced off the mat ♪ ♪ a zipper ricocheted off the fishbowl ♪ ♪ suspenders sprang at the cat ♪ ♪ there's a lesson to be learned here ♪ ♪ you might want to take down a note ♪ ♪ you can have extra helpings or bend over ♪ ♪ but you obviously can't do both ♪ you know, hearing how ezra banger got himself his own statue just for killing mosquitoes has me thinking that if a person found a better way to kill bugs, they could not only get rich, they'd get more dates. I thought I'd take this week's "handyman corner"... Show you how you can tell the insects to bug off. All right, this thing is called a fogging machine. Hope that came out right. The way that works is you fill her full of pesticide and then you blast out this toxic crap, killing all the mosquitoes. If you kill all the mosquitoes in your area, you're gonna take out every other form of life. Instead of that, I say we just... (coughing)... We concentrate on mosquitoes flying in your face and biting you where you thought nothing ever would. Get yourself one of these aluminum lawn chairs and an electric drill and get busy. There we go. I can go out in the worst mosquito weather. I just sit down, get comfortable, turn on my mosquito fogger, which is hooked up to the chair and runs through the holes. Give her a couple of seconds to kind of warm up. Soon, that insecticide fog is gonna... (coughing) the beauty of this system is you don't have to put any insect repellant on. You don't have to worry about taking toxic chemicals... (coughing) ... In through your skin. (coughing) oh... Uh, yeah, all right. Uh, those who are allergic to the ragweed or the pollen or the (coughing) d.D.-- (coughing) or the d.D.-- (coughing) or the d.D.T., you might want a mechanical solution. You know how the horse has a tail and they flip that and it pushes bugs away? In australia, they got hats with corks on 'em. They flip them around to keep didjeridus and wallabies off their billabongs. You can do the same thing by taking one of these patio umbrellas and a washing machine. All you do is hang your various little trinkets on the edge of the umbrella and then hook her up. (music mimicking a ticking clock) (grunting) all right, there we go. I got my doodads duct-taped to the umbrella. I got the umbrella duct-taped to the washing machine. She's all set -- let's give her a try. Well, there it is. People will be talking about you all over town. They'll say, "it's just like a flicking horse's behind!" or words to that effect. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Uh-oh, spin cycle! Bill is all cranked up and nowhere to go. The town council will replace the statue we destroyed with our fan-boat. We're in the wrong business. Sculptors are getting thousands for doing nothing. Nothing?! It takes a lot of talent to turn a hunk of rock into a human face. Mother nature did it with you. (audience laughing) ... Or close enough. We don't need any starving artist trying to rip everybody off while they wait for another renaissance. We're gonna build a statue ourselves. I could build a sculpture pretty cheap. In cubs, I'd make ashtrays out of asbestos for father's day. The leaders figured if they smoke, asbestos won't be hurting them. Thanks anyway, harold, but we've already decided. Take a look at this. Huh? See that, eh? We're gonna have a giant possum in front of the mayor's office, looking dead. Talk about life imitates art. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. You guys think you can do everything until you try it. You think you can't do anything and you prove it. That's right-- (applause) ok, what have you got today, ranger gord? Well, today, red, ladies and gentlemen, I'm performing one of my most favourite tasks as a ranger -- tagging wildlife. Sometimes I'll be tagging moose or bear, but today, I'm doing the trickiest of all -- I'm tagging flies. The first thing we do is lure them close. It's a shame stinky peterson isn't here. I have this green pork chop. (fly buzzing) oh, there we go! (buzzing) got him! Nice work! No, it's a her. Oh, boy! I'm going to be taking one of these tags. If you'd take down the details, please, red? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fire away. Now, it is a female blackfly, tag number 22395... 22395... No discernible markings. I got it. To make sure the tag stays on, we'll use this stapler. Oh, oh, oh! Oh, no. It's on there. I killed it, red. I killed one of nature's wonders. No, no, come on... No, no, no. No, she's fine, gord -- flew away. Flying right as rain. She flew away? Yeah, just had to get used to the tag's weight. Oh! Ok, great. Well, let's do number 22396, huh? For dinner, I'll fry us some pork chops. (fly buzzing) ok. All right, this is a wood file called a coarse bastard file. That's right, a coarse bastard. It says right there -- "coarse bastard", so stinky, if you're watching, it's you who owes me an apology. I don't mind people offering opinions on our sculpture, but I don't need punks playing street-ball near the statue. That was the possum lake high school team. They had a bad attitude. No, they didn't. I know those girls. (audience laughing) they're in my home ec. Class. I don't know why people feel they gotta offer suggestions, yelling while we're trying to carve. They're saying, "take a bit off there!" or "put a bit back on there!" or... "whoops! Old man sedgwick's standing back, saying, "that doesn't look like a duck." you get 30 men waling away on a big piece of rock with sledge-hammers and tire irons, you're asking for trouble, but you know, I'm being honest. Lots of those people, they're giving creative suggestions. By the time we got done with their creative suggestions, our huge rock had turned into a gravel driveway. Now we gotta change our medium. We're switching to steel. Good idea -- steal a statue. No, harold, no, no. No, no, no, no, harold. We're gonna get our welding gear and we're gonna make the four horsemen of the apocalypse out of "k" cars. Wow! Now, that's innovative! A statue that gets decent mileage and a seven-year warranty. (audience laughing) (red): Back at bill's car, we're ready to start her. Every guy has his own secrets for starting a car. With me, it's a lot in the way you twist the wrist. With bill, it's the way he nods. With me, it's the twisting. With bill, it's the nodding. When we get going, there's hardly a vehicle-- we can usually get her-- we can usually... But not in this case, it seems, so bill's getting out. Gonna check under the hood. What's the problem? What do you want? Huh? Oh, yeah, ok. Open the hood, all right. Ohhhh! Oh, golly, it's got one of them spring-loaded hoods. You all right? Ok, up she comes. There should be a bar there. Should be something there-- should be a bar to hold that, some type of bar. Bill, no, I believe that's a dipstick. Actually, there's a couple of them I'm looking at. I don't think that's gonna work, no matter how long you do it. What have we got there? That's the coat hanger from earlier in the show. I'm not sure a coat hanger would hold up a hood. Would that make a lot of sense to you? Well, by golly! It does hold up the weight of the hood... Just not for long. What do you want? Oh, open the hood! All right, all right. Gotcha, gotcha. Is that better? You all right? Ok. This is going way back. They used to be able to hook a crank into the crankshaft. That's why they call it a shaft. Bill's gonna try and turn the motor over manually. Oh, boy, this is-- oh, oh, oh! The thing can start going backwards on you. Careful, there, bill. Watch it doesn't reverse. Look out, she's coming your way! Almost there -- oh, boy! Little more -- almost got her. Oh, boy! Oh, gosh! Oh, gosh! Oh, gosh! You all right, bill? Lo@k out -- oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! (laughing) all right, let's try these-- oh! Gosh! I should know better than to stand that close. He's got jumper cables. He's got the double set. He's gonna put one end on and we'll just hook 'em together. It's amazing how much power-- (sputtering) ... You can get out of a couple of batteries. Yeah, the quick start-- I believe this is, uh, ether. Ether would be a good thing to have around bill. Take it easy, bill. You just need a little squirt. You don't need-- bill. No, bill, you're-- no, bill, that's-- that's almost an explosive, bill, I think. I could be wrong, but that's an explosive. I could be wrong. Two cans you've emptied? I could be wrong about that. (explosion) ohhhhh! No, I think I got it pretty much right on, there. Oh, boy. Where's the hood? Oh, there it is. All right, uh... Is the engine running? It's not just running. It left! So we gotta find an alternate means of power. Good gas mileage -- just too much gas. Stay tuned for my buddy winston rothschild, the king of pumps. By golly, you should have seen our "k" car statue. I may not know art, but I know what I like, and it's welding vehicles together. I know I said the four horsemen of the apocalypse. We had so many cars, we made seven. War, death, famine, sleepy, dopey, grumpy, and shemp. It was something, wasn't it? All the windshield wipers were going. The lights were turned on. Every radio was tuned to the port asbestos station. It was only time and weather, but still... It was a multi-media display of kinetic art and social commentary. Whoo-hoo! Where did you learn to talk like that? The librarian said that, and she was really excited until she realized one of the "k" cars was hers. Judging from her language, I bet she reads a lot of d.H. Lawrence. She wasn't the only one not impressed with your work. The police stuck a ticket under everybody's windshield. There were six for parking and one littering. We gave the cars back, but we got an idea. Instead of making a statue, we'll take something we already have and call it a statue. We should have thought of this before. Something you already have? Like what? Like a lawn mower? What have you got that could be considered art? Your beer can collection? Your polyester pant wall hanging? Welcome to the expert portion. On this week's expert portion, we have experts: My uncle red and his friend, mr. Winston rothschild. (applause and cheering) (whistling) first letter goes as follows: "dear experts... Wahhhh! "what's the secret to getting a great job?" (laughing) if my uncle knew that, he wouldn't be hosting this show. The key to a great job is to have an uncle that owes your father money. Uh, well, actually, I have to diverge with you for a second, red. My dad owed all kinds of people all kinds of things. The only job that ever got me was a guy came up to me and said, "if you beat up another guy," he wouldn't beat up my father. (audience laughing) we wouldn't ask you what a great job was about, anyway, winston. (laughing) well, uh... (laughing) I don't agree, especially if the guy expires to own his own sewage and septic sucking service. Mr. Rothschild, I think you mean "aspires". No, "expires" is right on the money. Yeah, well, anyway, the key to a good career is finding the key to that career. That's key, and, you know, I happen to have found the key to the sewage and septic sucking business. Blocked sinuses? No, no, no. (audience laughing) the key to successful sewage sucking is the personal touch, eh? You've got to chat up the customers. You gotta make them feel at home, make 'em feel special. Cater to their every need. 'cause in my business, the customer is king. Only while they're on the throne. Oooh! (laughing and applause) well, it took us a while, but we finally got a new statue in town by just using something we already had. Not buster hadfield's stove. No, nothing stupid, harold. Didn't use those unused exer-cycles the guys brought in. Somebody suggested we have old man sedgwick stand there and pretend he's a statue, but we wanted something more lifelike. Haven't you figured it out? Art takes talent -- that's what's missing here. Not the materials or supplies. Art is in the artist, not in the palette. No, that's right, harold. We decided to use the fan-boat. We've given up on art. We're gonna go with practicality. T-t-the fan-boat's the new statue? Town council won't allow that. Yes, they will, harold. The fan blows over the lake, breeze all the time, keeps the bugs away and guarantees you're upwind from stinky peterson's place. They won't let it sit there, blowing over the lake. They will, because the mayor has a sailboat. Yeah? Get it? Wahhh? I'm telling you, we've created a statue. We got the mayor on the lake where he can't make mistakes, and we killed a couple of hours. If that isn't art, I don't know what is. (laughing and applause) no, I'm sure you don't. (possum squeal) see, that's meeting time. I'll be down in a few minutes. This was quite a day. If my wife is watching, I'm coming home after the meeting. Maybe when we're sitting out by the lake and you hear a loud noise and lot of wind, you can be sure that I'm responsible. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... I was telling you earlier that people make things. The possum lodge sign is made by the same-- this guy made this and brought this in. You flip it around... It's just fantastic. He's jim jackson. He lives in simcoe. Possum lodge member 4118. And, uh, boy, is that ever gonna burn good. Boy, this is too much!